1.
A kindergarten child told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked the
child.
"Because
I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
You
did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in
surprise.
"You
know, "explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't
move."
2.
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five
minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm
thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No,
you had your chance. Lights out."
Five
minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm
THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I
told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five
minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When
you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3.
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked
him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The
boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep
slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or
stay out!'"
4.
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a
mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?"
The
mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I
can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A
long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The
big sissy."
5.
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One
little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the
pastor leaned over and said,
"That
is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The
little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my
Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
6.
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into
the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy,
you are getting fat!"
I
replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
tummy."
"I
know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7.
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two
plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three
plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His
mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you
doing?"
The
little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And
this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked.
"Yes,"
he answered.
Infuriated,
the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in
math?"
The
teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The
mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a
bitch is four?"
After
the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8.
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?"
Her
mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
rough."
The
little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If
I can find a smooth one, can I play with
him?"